Lipstick!

This may sound shallow to some, but not to me. I was fascinated by this tiny stick of color right from my young age. I was in fourth or fifth grade when I first put it on my lips. It was a school dance and had to stand in a long line of eager girls to get to the make up guy. After he dabbed the what looked like a paint brush on my lips, I knew I was pretty without even looking in the mirror. I kept my head high as I left the room full of ‘average looking’ girls. And then I got to see it in the movies, pretty women taking this shiny stick out from their expensive purses. More than what it does I was fascinated to see how the attitude was highlighted when they put it on.  It was like a weapon with some invisible power  given to the soul.

 The first time I went out in public with lipstick on was when I was 26. Shocking yeah!  Brought up that way.  I didn’t have a clue about picking the right color. My first lipstick was  brick red, then it was blood red, I even had a purple and a  lightest of shiny brown shade.

Many people have told me that lipstick doesn’t suit me and that I shouldn’t use it. I even embarrassed my sisters once when I used a color that made my lips look  “like they are burnt.”  

What is truth? What I see in the mirror or what others tell me what they see?

 It is funny how our mind works.

It is easier as long as it is just one mind that we listen to.

Lone Queen.

              It’s been a long time since I could write anything as I have been dealing with the demons inside of me. My demons are not evil or strong but they have the potential to take out happiness and peace ending with absolute irrecoverable state of depth-less abyss. Or so I thought. 
              It is difficult to be single, not to have anyone to share your life with, but there are some perks to it too. And it is those perks that give me a hand when I fall into the pit. 
              Every time I realize that I am alone or left to feel that way by someone, like any other woman I gain or lose weight, take comfort from pills or vodka, cry myself to sleep, spend sleepless nights with the million whys and hows and end up being angry at myself for creating such situations. 
               I suffer greatly with the loss. What I love about such hard times is that it makes me see things clearer, like the sky when the cloud is lifted.  I begin to embrace life again. Bouncing back from a bad relationship is rejuvenating. 
              The scars can never be made to nothing but what also refuses to disappear are the memories. Only this time in my head I choose to play the good times over and over again.          
             That proves that my happiness is in my control and not in the actions of the other  person.  
The pain starts to heal when I take full responsibilities for the collapse of the relationship. 
            I stumble upon the bridge of self loathing before I cross the ocean. That is the real danger in this process of accepting what is taken away and moving on, of course Tinder would be a blessing too. 
Going back to the perks – No one to please but myself.  




My throne, My rules! 

"Wrong" Light.

I was in a heavily crowded clothes store the other day. It was on a Sunday and many items were on sale. There was a slow moving, long line at the billing counter. I was very vigilant about not letting anyone cut the line. You got to move the next second the one that is in front of you takes one step forward and there has to be the right amount of space between you, so as not let the others think that they could come in between you two. Work! After like thirty seven hours (well it seemed like that!) I was near the cashier. My heart sang joyfully. But it stopped abruptly when I saw a man, next to me, ready to pay the bill. What the hell! How did this happen?  I was so careful! I was so mad at him. Why are people so inconsiderate?   Where is this world going?  Thoughts of anger and more  anger was clouding my head. I sensed a storm raging inside of me. When the lady in front of me moved there we were. The sales guy looked at us, both handing out the clothes in our hands to him. He took the other guy’s items. I said,” What are you doing? I was before him!” raising my voice. The man said otherwise though very rudely. I denied that and threw a stern look at the sales guy making him realize his mistake and do my billing first. I knew very well that these two men were ganging up on me and that I needed to stand my ground.

But he said “Mam you are not in the line” Wait what?  I was not! Oh God how did this happen?! I was standing in the line but somehow I had strayed away and it was me standing on the side of the line. Right at that moment I was very aware of all the eyes that were on me. I was totally embarrassed. 

Hatred or anger carried in our heart is bound to come out most likely at the wrong time and at the wrong person. With each such realization ( or rather embarrassing event)  you see life a bit clearer.  Though I was wrong and it happened to me I found it cool how it all ends , with a light in my heart.