Picking a side - how hard is it?! It is always a struggle for me. At work, at home, you have to be with someone, be part of a group, stand with them so that they can stand with you too. I can’t and don’t want to be identified with others. I function better alone. And I hate that. This is not because I lack people’s skills, I think. I need my space, and my ways.
Seeking good friendship was the biggest step I took recently. Have you ever had the feeling, when you are with a group of people, of being not like them, and wondered what is wrong with you? If the answer is yes then, Good, I am not alone. It can do a lot to you when you don’t feel ‘at home’ with anyone, be it friends or family. You feel special but at the same time, also like a weirdo.
Yesterday when Ela was talking about her day (which we do every evening) she was telling me how her friend yelled at for a simple mistake. She had dropped her friend’s book and when she picked it up she touched the book and her chest only two times and not three.
(btw if you don’t know what I am talking about….It is a thing we do in this country…when you drop something, especially a book, you need to feel sorry that you dropped it, you touch it and then touch your heart ideally 3 times and that's how you apologize to the book.)
This had upset her friend. She thought I would be
on her side and be mad at her friend for her bossiness. Instead I was
displeased with Ela, I said why did she even have to do something meaningless
and silly like that, twice or thrice that didn’t matter. “If you drop
something, all you need to do is pick it up,” I said to her. She looked at me
for a few seconds and asked me,” Why do you have to be different? Everyone in
school does it. Everyone in our family does it. Only you don’t!” She was not mad
at her friend anymore. Her question left me frozen. I didn’t know what to tell
her.
My dad told me once, when I was 14 or 15, that it is okay to
want to be “different, to not to comply” but then everything that follows will
also be different and you should be okay with that. Now I know what he meant.
