The Bug!

A small mistake can bring about disastrous consequences.

I love Animals! I was ecstatic not when I had sex or when I gave birth to a baby girl (no offense Ela, maybe it was the heavy sedation that didn’t let me feel anything). I felt so alive and sensed the force go through my veins and all through my body, when I held a snake in my hands. It was non venomous, but a big one. When everyone was looking curiously at the snake but cautiously standing away, I pleaded the snake catcher to give the snake to me for a minute. The snake wrapped around my arm and it was so nice to feel that beautiful but very strange creature so close to me.

I always find it easier to be around animals. I don’t even kill geckos at home, as they feed on mosquitoes. 

Last month Ela and I started to get small rashes in our arms. It was very itchy and we scratched the hell out of our skin. After a couple of days we were fine again. Later, I found out that it was because of a tiny bug. So every time I saw that in the house I scooped it up and threw it out.

One day when I was already exhausted cleaning the house I noticed this bug under the sheets. It made me so angry that I just squished it with my fingers, and went with the cleaning work.

The next morning…

 

 

Thinking it would be fine soon I went to work. The swelling got only bigger and worse. People at work were grossed out as they thought I had conjunctivitis.

                                                 

 

  The pain, the itching, the classic black eye look that i had adorned several times in my married life and having to deal with it alone,acting like everything was fine... It felt like I hit rock bottom.

After spending  a few hundred money and a few more days of hiding from the public eye, it got better.

A tiny damn bug…was not the problem actually. I will not blame the bug.

 I killed it with my fingers and didn’t wash my hands and that had brought all the trouble. Small mistake of mine that caused me great stress.

 Snakes I can handle, but some devious tiny “bug” I scream.

Me and Them.

                   Picking a side - how hard is it?! It is always  a struggle for me. At work, at home, you have to be with someone, be part of a group, stand with them so that they can stand with you too. I can’t and don’t want to be identified with others. I function better alone. And I hate that. This is not because I lack people’s skills, I think. I need my space, and my ways.  

                   Seeking good friendship was the biggest step I took recently.  Have you ever had the feeling, when you are with a group of people, of being not like them, and wondered what is wrong with you?  If the answer is yes then, Good, I am not alone. It can do a lot to you when you don’t feel ‘at home’ with anyone, be it friends or family. You feel special but at the same time, also like a weirdo.   

Yesterday when Ela was talking about her day (which we do every evening) she was telling me how her friend yelled at for a simple mistake. She had dropped her friend’s book and when she picked it up she touched the book and her chest only two times and not three.   

 (btw if you don’t know what I am   talking about….It is a thing we do in this country…when you drop something, especially a book, you need to feel sorry that you dropped it, you touch it and then touch your heart ideally 3 times and that's how you apologize to the book.)   

  This had upset her friend. She thought I would be on her side and be mad at her friend for her bossiness. Instead I was displeased with Ela, I said why did she even have to do something meaningless and silly like that, twice or thrice that didn’t matter. “If you drop something, all you need to do is pick it up,” I said to her. She looked at me for a few seconds and asked me,” Why do you have to be different? Everyone in school does it. Everyone in our family does it. Only you don’t!” She was not mad at her friend anymore. Her question left me frozen. I didn’t know what to tell her.

My dad told me once, when I was 14 or 15, that it is okay to want to be “different, to not to comply” but then everything that follows will also be different and you should be okay with that.  Now I know what he meant. 

Worst or the Coolest?

If you have read my other posts then you know about the difficulties I have raising my daughter. It is not because of other complications like being single. The fact of the matter is Parenting is tough.

I tell the truth when she asks me  difficult-to-answer questions. Once she asked me how they take babies from mommies and I told her the truth (skipping the gory part of course) I even showed her my stitches when we discussed this. She was just six but she came to me to ‘talk’ to ‘know.’

I don’t worry about her health too much. Some parents freak out if their kids fall and hurt themselves. I am one of the kind that high fives her after a fall. If she is in pain I tell her what to do next.

And how do I make her do something like eating her meal or bathing? I tell her if she doesn’t do it then she can forget about her tab that day. It works like magic.

No matter how smart you think you are, or how better you think you are than your own parent or how many hours you spend reading about parenting - you are never prepared for times of struggle.

I lose my temper sometimes especially in the mornings. I yell at her or do something which I regret later. But recently I learnt a trick (actually a truth… in a weird way)

My daughter is my E.T.!

You don’t get mad at E.T. if he spills milk or refuses to eat or cries like a baby to take a bath. When she does something that upsets me I tell myself that she’s new to this planet and has just started learning ‘our ways’ This single thought has changed our relationship in a big way. Most of all it has taught me to be more patient. That’s the key to be a good parent.

So when I see her as an alien from a far off planet the things that normally makes me mad at her don’t anymore.  

 I could be wrong about all this.

But as the child learns to be, so do we about being a parent.