After the 'D' word

We are social beings, no denying that, but living alone (as in with no spouse) is also possible.  My friends (not all, some are still sensible) tell me that I should think about my end years and that I need to find me a man. I tell them it is scary to be alone without having no one to hold your hand as you die or not to have anyone beside the” bed” ( that’s how it is always shown in the movies, a white hospital room and a comfy bed!) But lately I have found  that I can live life with ease on my own. But I would definitely want the comfy bed and my family and friends beside me.

I had my doubts about this, but it is such a great feeling to know that I can.  My decision is influenced greatly by my heartbreaks. But that doesn’t mean I have lost faith in Men or in Marriage. It is joyful to be in the presence of couples in love. And sometimes it is not. May be I am cynical or being cautious of not wanting to feel that way again.  I believe marriage is just not meant for all. It doesn’t and shouldn’t have to be an absolute necessity of life.   

There are many stars in my sky. Such blessing take me where I need to be. 

I leave a heavy sigh of relief when I look back at my life before divorce.

Just some small but significant changes before and after.

B.D.	A.D.
Constant pressure to cook ALL 3 MEALS…EVERYDAY!	Cook when I feel like it or if it’s a total shut down and all restaurants in the city are closed.
Need to get “Permission” to do anything(to watch tv or to go to mom’s place)	Conversation: the calendar and myself. As simple as that.
Spending days and months  thinking about and hoping  to be taken out for a dinner or a movie	All I have to do is move my ass…Anytime, to Anywhere.
No “me time” even when in physical pain and deserve a cat nap.	Watch in stillness how time flies. Sometimes too much time at hand that it is spent for rearranging the furniture. Ridiculous, isn’t it?
An extra second spent after opening the fridge door ends up in at least a ten minute verbal abuse. Scarring criticism for every move.	Reprimand or compliment, just my mind to listen to.
Hide all the “disgusting girlie stuff”  from view	The door  is not closed when peeing!
Keep a dead face so as the friendly neighbor guy won’t smile anymore and so avoid holocaust at home.	Neighbors are friends and some of them are MEN!
Stash the pizza boxes in a place where it can never be found  till the garbage collector’s visit the next morning. (Food from out is strictly prohibited)	Pizza is no longer a 'Blood Diamond.' (No way related to this… but what a treat it is to see both Leonardo DiCaprio and Djimon Hounsou together!)

The messed up families at the Family Court

     My divorce was finalized last week. It was a terrible experience, not the divorce but the marriage. I was lost for seven years. And it was such a relief that I got ‘me’ back. Yes it is a difficult life, but I am used to do stuff alone even when I was in that relationship. The family court in Coimbatore has given me such meaningful experiences. The first time I went there I was real sad. Sad not because it was the beginning of the end of my marriage, but because I saw many women in worse state than I was. There was this weird silence with high tension in the waiting area which anyone who walks in can feel. The place was crowded with all mismatched couples and a few parents.

     There was this one young girl with her dad and I saw their advocate talking to them. She seemed friendly and I started talking to her. She was more than okay with the idea of divorce. She showed me the guy she had married, a tall baldie who looked very normal. They were married for a very short time and they decided to end it legally with mutual consent. I thought it was very smart of them, unlike me who went through a hell of seven long years. The other women I saw were not solucky as the young girl.

     Their sad faces told a different story, a story that is not anywhere near its end. It is not the separation that gives relief; it is the emotional detachment from the spouse that caused/causes pain. The process of divorce is easier if it has mutual consent, if not it is an opening to a mine field. I saw couples quarrelling in the waiting area and even in front of the judge.

     The most heartrending scene for me was to see a young mother who had come with her tiny baby. The mother and the grandmother of the baby tried everything to comfort the crying baby. Finally they gave in and the mom started to feed the baby covering it with a towel on her shoulders. She felt really awkward to do that with so many men around her. She couldn’t leave the place too as her name would be called any minute.  And as it is most of the time for some of us (life is unfair) her name was called and she pulled the baby from her breast, gave it to her mother, and moved into the courtroom hastily. I saw her husband too going in, who had been standing there all along with no emotion whatsoever, looking at the crying baby and the two women struggling to comfort it, like any other man there.

     That reminded me of the horrible things that had happened to me by this one man whom I loved dearly once.  My baby was cranky all the time, crying mostlyexcept when she was sleeping. This one night I was doing some work in the kitchen and I heard her crying. I thought her dad would take care as he was lying next to her. But she didn’t stop. So I went in and it disturbed me to see him so undisturbed by her tears. I bent down to pick her up telling him why he couldn’t do something about her crying. He with all his might kicked me at my chest, sending me sharp pain as I was lactating then. He went back to sleep and I came out the bedroom carrying my sweet baby.   I have decided not to let my screwed up marriage affect me in any way, but this incident is something that brings me tears every time I think of it.

     Standing there in the court with all such thoughts flooding my mind only made me want to be stronger than ever before. And on the final day, at the same place, while waiting for my name to be called, I went to him and sat next to him talking. By that I told him indirectly that I am in control of my life and that he cannot stop me from being happy. I went to café coffee day straight from the family court and had me a chocolate cake. Though I have it every time I go there, it tasted much better that day.