After the 'D' word

We are social beings, no denying that, but living alone (as in with no spouse) is also possible.  My friends (not all, some are still sensible) tell me that I should think about my end years and that I need to find me a man. I tell them it is scary to be alone without having no one to hold your hand as you die or not to have anyone beside the” bed” ( that’s how it is always shown in the movies, a white hospital room and a comfy bed!) But lately I have found  that I can live life with ease on my own. But I would definitely want the comfy bed and my family and friends beside me.

I had my doubts about this, but it is such a great feeling to know that I can.  My decision is influenced greatly by my heartbreaks. But that doesn’t mean I have lost faith in Men or in Marriage. It is joyful to be in the presence of couples in love. And sometimes it is not. May be I am cynical or being cautious of not wanting to feel that way again.  I believe marriage is just not meant for all. It doesn’t and shouldn’t have to be an absolute necessity of life.   

There are many stars in my sky. Such blessing take me where I need to be. 

I leave a heavy sigh of relief when I look back at my life before divorce.

Just some small but significant changes before and after.

B.D.	A.D.
Constant pressure to cook ALL 3 MEALS…EVERYDAY!	Cook when I feel like it or if it’s a total shut down and all restaurants in the city are closed.
Need to get “Permission” to do anything(to watch tv or to go to mom’s place)	Conversation: the calendar and myself. As simple as that.
Spending days and months  thinking about and hoping  to be taken out for a dinner or a movie	All I have to do is move my ass…Anytime, to Anywhere.
No “me time” even when in physical pain and deserve a cat nap.	Watch in stillness how time flies. Sometimes too much time at hand that it is spent for rearranging the furniture. Ridiculous, isn’t it?
An extra second spent after opening the fridge door ends up in at least a ten minute verbal abuse. Scarring criticism for every move.	Reprimand or compliment, just my mind to listen to.
Hide all the “disgusting girlie stuff”  from view	The door  is not closed when peeing!
Keep a dead face so as the friendly neighbor guy won’t smile anymore and so avoid holocaust at home.	Neighbors are friends and some of them are MEN!
Stash the pizza boxes in a place where it can never be found  till the garbage collector’s visit the next morning. (Food from out is strictly prohibited)	Pizza is no longer a 'Blood Diamond.' (No way related to this… but what a treat it is to see both Leonardo DiCaprio and Djimon Hounsou together!)

Fill it Up! Fill it Up!

Self realization is a never ending process. I was smart, independent and even had deep thoughts in my much younger years. I remember this particular moment, while I was walking on the road holding my mom’s hand, thinking about my Existence. I was six or seven.

Then it all faded away, as I was involved in finding happiness from the outside. The dumb years of my adulthood has come to an end.

 Many of us struggle as we try to fit into someone else’s design. I grew up with the idea of finding true love, it was always about finding the right person. It was never about me. It was never about who I am and What I could bring to my life. And it took me several years, a bad marriage and a broken heart to know this.

I am delighted that I know the truth now. Better late than never they say. It is Me now. Once you are in your Design, others diminish and you can see things clearly.

 With the strong sense of Self we weaken the possibilities of getting wrecked.

A happy self is what can give joy to others. We become more appreciative too of the things we see in this world. Life is beautiful when we open our eyes to the simple small things, be it a sunset or a happy couple or a bunch of silly kids or even someone from a different species.

Life is still beautiful even when things go wrong and we can’t take it anymore. It’s the sweet happy memories of the good times we had come lift us up. They give the hope that it all is going to happen again. If not right away but soon.

Yes it is sad or even scary to be alone or to be with any other kind of difficulty in life, but shouldn’t we count our other blessings?

  

An angel of a daughter, a loving family of supportive parents and crazy sisters, nephews who worship me, a cousin who never forgets to call and say hi, and random strangers who become best friends for life, can fill up any kind of emptiness.