After the 'D' word

We are social beings, no denying that, but living alone (as in with no spouse) is also possible.  My friends (not all, some are still sensible) tell me that I should think about my end years and that I need to find me a man. I tell them it is scary to be alone without having no one to hold your hand as you die or not to have anyone beside the” bed” ( that’s how it is always shown in the movies, a white hospital room and a comfy bed!) But lately I have found  that I can live life with ease on my own. But I would definitely want the comfy bed and my family and friends beside me.

I had my doubts about this, but it is such a great feeling to know that I can.  My decision is influenced greatly by my heartbreaks. But that doesn’t mean I have lost faith in Men or in Marriage. It is joyful to be in the presence of couples in love. And sometimes it is not. May be I am cynical or being cautious of not wanting to feel that way again.  I believe marriage is just not meant for all. It doesn’t and shouldn’t have to be an absolute necessity of life.   

There are many stars in my sky. Such blessing take me where I need to be. 

I leave a heavy sigh of relief when I look back at my life before divorce.

Just some small but significant changes before and after.

B.D.	A.D.
Constant pressure to cook ALL 3 MEALS…EVERYDAY!	Cook when I feel like it or if it’s a total shut down and all restaurants in the city are closed.
Need to get “Permission” to do anything(to watch tv or to go to mom’s place)	Conversation: the calendar and myself. As simple as that.
Spending days and months  thinking about and hoping  to be taken out for a dinner or a movie	All I have to do is move my ass…Anytime, to Anywhere.
No “me time” even when in physical pain and deserve a cat nap.	Watch in stillness how time flies. Sometimes too much time at hand that it is spent for rearranging the furniture. Ridiculous, isn’t it?
An extra second spent after opening the fridge door ends up in at least a ten minute verbal abuse. Scarring criticism for every move.	Reprimand or compliment, just my mind to listen to.
Hide all the “disgusting girlie stuff”  from view	The door  is not closed when peeing!
Keep a dead face so as the friendly neighbor guy won’t smile anymore and so avoid holocaust at home.	Neighbors are friends and some of them are MEN!
Stash the pizza boxes in a place where it can never be found  till the garbage collector’s visit the next morning. (Food from out is strictly prohibited)	Pizza is no longer a 'Blood Diamond.' (No way related to this… but what a treat it is to see both Leonardo DiCaprio and Djimon Hounsou together!)

the Mountains...again!

How amazing are we? Human race sure is a very perplexing entity on this planet.  I wonder at the complexities of the ways our mind works. Of all the human emotions, from feeling ecstatic to almost capable of feeling nothing except numbness , the  best is feeling  calmness  while overwhelmed by the  massive bigness of the universe.  When I was sitting on the top of a hill looking at the not so rushing waterfall and the racing mist, nothing seemed more important that the sight itself. It was not my past, nor what is in for me in the coming years that I felt.  It was beautiful to have the mind on pause mode. 

It didn’t last for long though. I got my usual ‘me of myriad thoughts’ back, started to jump around wanting to explore more, Wowed at the sheer size of some wild animal’s poop (Gaur or a gigantic wild boar), Kept touching my ‘essential areas’ checking for leeches (as I wouldn’t mind if the little suckers were anywhere on my legs or in between my toes), repeatedly thanked the person who helped me reach there,  began to plan my next trip, started to think about what my dear ones would say when I take them there  and it went on like that for a while before I shushed it,  took in one last deep breath of the purest pure air and left… left with a piece of bliss that I got from that place. 

I have travelled before but it feels sweeter now as I broke away from some rusty chains that weighed me down.

The (My) heart that won’t love me!

                             

                                  I am back to the place I once dreaded.  This is not a place anyone would want to be, but visits once in a while. It is a place where everything moves very slow and time seems to be still. A magical place  where  you see every other human smiling except you. It is the same feeling when you get something stuck in your throat and you cannot breathe. You are alive, you can see everything happening but you alone feel the pain, the suffocation. I never thought I would end up here, again! After all I have gone through in my life, have I not learnt anything from it?

                   

                Xena The warrior princess was one of my favorite shows on tv. Many lines from that show taught me something about life. Xena tells someone the reason for falling in love  – God created humans with two heads, four hands, four legs and and two hearts. Something happened (don’t remember that part) and we end up like how we are now. And that is why we spend all our lives looking for our other half!

                 So romantic. It is not a rational explanation. Leave out the God part, the “searching all our lives” means something. It is true. We do crave for romantic relationship, a companion whom you wish to be with. I don’t think it is just the work of the body. Though it is a struggle to control the oceans of such desires when it attacks you quietly in a silent night. But the mind’s craving for a company can never be controlled (at least for me it can’t be).

                  It needs not just any one, it has to be the one. Why does my own heart  work against me? . Why can’t it be happy being alone? Why can’t it accept the fact that it is stomped on by someone who loved it once? Do I have to feel the pain to feel alive?

                The worst kind of pain is when you cannot cry, when tears fail to roll down from your eyes, and you walk around like nothing happened.