Lone Queen.

              It’s been a long time since I could write anything as I have been dealing with the demons inside of me. My demons are not evil or strong but they have the potential to take out happiness and peace ending with absolute irrecoverable state of depth-less abyss. Or so I thought. 
              It is difficult to be single, not to have anyone to share your life with, but there are some perks to it too. And it is those perks that give me a hand when I fall into the pit. 
              Every time I realize that I am alone or left to feel that way by someone, like any other woman I gain or lose weight, take comfort from pills or vodka, cry myself to sleep, spend sleepless nights with the million whys and hows and end up being angry at myself for creating such situations. 
               I suffer greatly with the loss. What I love about such hard times is that it makes me see things clearer, like the sky when the cloud is lifted.  I begin to embrace life again. Bouncing back from a bad relationship is rejuvenating. 
              The scars can never be made to nothing but what also refuses to disappear are the memories. Only this time in my head I choose to play the good times over and over again.          
             That proves that my happiness is in my control and not in the actions of the other  person.  
The pain starts to heal when I take full responsibilities for the collapse of the relationship. 
            I stumble upon the bridge of self loathing before I cross the ocean. That is the real danger in this process of accepting what is taken away and moving on, of course Tinder would be a blessing too. 
Going back to the perks – No one to please but myself.  




My throne, My rules! 

"Wrong" Light.

I was in a heavily crowded clothes store the other day. It was on a Sunday and many items were on sale. There was a slow moving, long line at the billing counter. I was very vigilant about not letting anyone cut the line. You got to move the next second the one that is in front of you takes one step forward and there has to be the right amount of space between you, so as not let the others think that they could come in between you two. Work! After like thirty seven hours (well it seemed like that!) I was near the cashier. My heart sang joyfully. But it stopped abruptly when I saw a man, next to me, ready to pay the bill. What the hell! How did this happen?  I was so careful! I was so mad at him. Why are people so inconsiderate?   Where is this world going?  Thoughts of anger and more  anger was clouding my head. I sensed a storm raging inside of me. When the lady in front of me moved there we were. The sales guy looked at us, both handing out the clothes in our hands to him. He took the other guy’s items. I said,” What are you doing? I was before him!” raising my voice. The man said otherwise though very rudely. I denied that and threw a stern look at the sales guy making him realize his mistake and do my billing first. I knew very well that these two men were ganging up on me and that I needed to stand my ground.

But he said “Mam you are not in the line” Wait what?  I was not! Oh God how did this happen?! I was standing in the line but somehow I had strayed away and it was me standing on the side of the line. Right at that moment I was very aware of all the eyes that were on me. I was totally embarrassed. 

Hatred or anger carried in our heart is bound to come out most likely at the wrong time and at the wrong person. With each such realization ( or rather embarrassing event)  you see life a bit clearer.  Though I was wrong and it happened to me I found it cool how it all ends , with a light in my heart.

R.E.S.P.E.C.T.

Life itself seems hard enough some days, and a life without sex seems really hard to accept.  How do I live a life with no sex? It sucks big time. But not all days are difficult. It is during few days  before and after my period, that I struggle with the rushing emotions and the resulting frustration.  I know it has to do with the hormones and not  my mind, but it is so strong that nothing I do calms it down. I do everything I can to escape it, tasty meal from a good restaurant, tub of my favorite ice cream, anything…but nothing works.  Even music fails.  I know I am not the only one who goes through this. There are many who live a life without being able to enjoy the union of two bodies,  even the married ones! So here I am saluting the persons, married or divorced, who live a life with no sex.

Worst or the Coolest?

If you have read my other posts then you know about the difficulties I have raising my daughter. It is not because of other complications like being single. The fact of the matter is Parenting is tough.

I tell the truth when she asks me  difficult-to-answer questions. Once she asked me how they take babies from mommies and I told her the truth (skipping the gory part of course) I even showed her my stitches when we discussed this. She was just six but she came to me to ‘talk’ to ‘know.’

I don’t worry about her health too much. Some parents freak out if their kids fall and hurt themselves. I am one of the kind that high fives her after a fall. If she is in pain I tell her what to do next.

And how do I make her do something like eating her meal or bathing? I tell her if she doesn’t do it then she can forget about her tab that day. It works like magic.

No matter how smart you think you are, or how better you think you are than your own parent or how many hours you spend reading about parenting - you are never prepared for times of struggle.

I lose my temper sometimes especially in the mornings. I yell at her or do something which I regret later. But recently I learnt a trick (actually a truth… in a weird way)

My daughter is my E.T.!

You don’t get mad at E.T. if he spills milk or refuses to eat or cries like a baby to take a bath. When she does something that upsets me I tell myself that she’s new to this planet and has just started learning ‘our ways’ This single thought has changed our relationship in a big way. Most of all it has taught me to be more patient. That’s the key to be a good parent.

So when I see her as an alien from a far off planet the things that normally makes me mad at her don’t anymore.  

 I could be wrong about all this.

But as the child learns to be, so do we about being a parent.